Wednesday, 1 May 2013

"So you want to become a priest?"

Is this the first question the would-be seminarian hears when he attends the initial interview with his Bishop (prior to the water boarding interrogation by the Director of Vocations).

How should one behave at such an awe inspiring session with that most jovial of men, the Bish?

Here are a few notes that will aid the applicant and ensure success:

1. Enter the room confidently and take the Bishop's hand firmly before kneeling and kissing his ring.

2. Before the interview commences ask if His Lordship would join you in praying for a while in silence.

3. Make certain that your Latin Mass Society membership card is discreetly poking out of your breast pocket, also, hold your Rosary in one hand.

4. Answer the following questions as follows:

4a. Q. "Are you or have you at any time been a student of Latin?
 A. "Quisnam mihi?"

4b. Q. "Do you believe in de-centralisation of Church authority?"
 A. You must be joking My Lord, placing more control into the hands of the Bishops? You're having a laugh aren't you?

4c. Q. "How would you comment on The Tablet's current editorial?"
 A. You are a one Bishop, now I know you're having a laugh"

4d. Q. "So you want to dedicate your life to supporting and counselling your parishioners always guided by your parish council?
A. "No, I just want to save souls My Lord"

4e. Q. "Sum up, briefly, in three words,  the message that the Church should be making to the world"
 A. "Pray, Repent and do Penance"

4f. Q. "But that's five words you right wing conservative reactionary"
 A. "OK but who's counting fatty?"

4g. Q. "Listen you  pious little swine, give me one good reason why I should approve of your lacy cotta, incense smoke induced hallucinations?"
A. "Because I believe that God is calling me to be a priest My Lord"

4h. Q. "That's enough you Latinist scumbag, get outta here before I release the Diocesan Dobermanns"
 A."I'm going but could you direct me to the nearest FSSP or ICKSP Mass centre?"

(Bishop faints at this stage and has to be revived by his secretary flapping an old copy of The Tablet under his nose - at last, a use for this mag!)


  1. It is worth noting that I am aware (for a fact) that some potential orthodox/devout candidates are being put off by joining the priesthood at diocesan level because they believe that there is no place for them there.

    Diocesan level is exactly where these people are needed.

    I don't want to be accused of being a 'bleeding heart liberal', but the fact is that English seminaries are discriminating against the most orthodox and devout candidates. FACT!

  2. you won't get this from their lordships of portsmouth or shrewsbury or lancaster methinks!!!

  3. Very amusing!

    The Bishop of Nottingham is in hospital at the moment - probably because he had a orthodox and devout candidate approach him.

    "What? He's wonderful! He dresses up for us at the TLM - and we LOVE him!", you say?

    But have you actually looked into his views on Women Priests?, his 'Spirit of Vatican II', and his appointment of an ex-Anglican priestess as the head of Nottingham's diocesan education centre, sowing her garbage to the laity in our church?

    Traddie extremists: you need to learn that celebrating a Latin Mass is no indicator of orthodoxy...
    Get a real bishop, like Portsmouth or Shrewsbury to do it, not a man who'll do almost anything to get himself noticed and a red hat...

    1. A woman who gave up her life as a vicar to become a Catholic due to being so Impressed with Pope Benedict. You sir are a very sad individual indeed.

    2. Hear! Hear! Well said, Father...
      S/he displays the ignorance and lack of charity that one comes to expect from the anonymous poster.

    3. Oh, I think that there's been a little too much charity and 'tolerance' towards priests who fail to uphold the Catholic Faith....don't you, Fathers?

      The Rt Rev Malcolm McMahon, Bishop of Nottingham, said there is no doctrinal reason preventing them (Catholic priests) from having wives.

      Roman Catholic priests have been required to take a vow of celibacy for centuries, but he argued that this now seemed unfair following the influx of married Anglican clergy.

      His comments are set to reignite the debate over whether the Church should end the tradition in a bid to deal with the shortage of priests.


      Concerns had been raised that his chances had been damaged by an interview he gave in 2001 when he was reported to have personally supported women priests.

      He was quoted as saying: "We believe the Holy Spirit speaks through the Church and I agree with that, so I look forward to the day when we will have women priests."

      However, Bishop McMahon said that the following year he had met the Pope - then Cardinal Ratzinger - to explain that he had been misquoted.

      "I look forward to the day when women play a greater role in ministry and take up more of a place in the Church, but not in sacred orders," he said.

    4. ...and assuming that His Excellency wasn't backtracking after being reminded of Catholic doctrine by HH Benedict XVI, perhaps the two fathers would remind us all of the Church's provision for women ministers?

    5. His Lordship can answer to Almighty God and the Supreme Pontiff for any views he might have held 10, 11 or 12 years ago. Those ordained as bishops, priests and deacons are the Church's ministers. And your point was?

      I was referring to the unwarranted and uncharitable comments about the good, thoroughly orthodox work of the Catholic lay woman who is a Diocesan Adviser on Parish Catechesis and Adult Formation - not the "the head of Nottingham's diocesan education centre" as she was inaccurately described by 'Anonymous'.

      Your cup of venom runneth over.

  4. He's also (to the best of my knowledge) good at closing down Catholic Schools. Well, that's the 'word on the street'.

    This education woman sounds worrying.

  5. Today marks the 2nd day of the 3rd year since I applied to the Ordinariate for re-ordination.
    This posting strikes a chord with me.