Thursday, 29 November 2012

"I'm a Bishop, get me out of here"

Yes, the new celebrity challenge show coming to the small screen will be screened next Spring.

 The Bishops of England and Wales will compete in the jungle environment of Bulinga Fen aka Westminster Cathedral Piazza for a nine day period and, at the end of each day, a panel of the laity will vote off the one that has failed to please the audience most, here's the format for the show:-

Day One :
All contestants to learn Summorum Pontificum by heart and to recite it standing on one leg on the Cathedral steps.

Day Two:
 Lots of fun today as their Lordships skydive from 30,000 feet with 200 remaindered  copies of The Tablet strapped to their backs. Their parachutes will have been specially  packed for them by a team of SSPX seminarians under the watchful eye of adjudicator, Damian Thompson. Those arriving on the landing zone of Westminster Cathedral bell tower will gain full marks but those landing on Westminster Abbey will have 10 points deducted; any Bishop landing on a Hindu Temple will lose 50 points.

Day Three:
The pace hots up as each Bishop dons cassock and lacy cotta for 'Act as a slave to a curate' day. This will involve rising at 3am in the morning to make sick calls to the local  hospital, back to the parish for a 7am Mass, then off to attend a spiritual session at Archbishop's House where delegates will have to meditate on the qualities of a pot of yoghurt before making a round of the care homes taking  comfort to the elderly. The programme continues in the afternoon with parish visits, Mass in the local convent and a final evening parish Mass at 8am.

Day Four:
Those who have survived the gruelling challenge so far will be asked to take part in the Sunday special - 'Hunt the Latin Mass'. The Bishops will have to carry out a  search of the Diocese to find a Latin Mass. The contest hots up as they then have to take the quickest route by foot arriving at the church in time for the 10.45pm EF Mass.

Day Five:
Chuckles galore in store today as the remaining contestants are blindfolded and then told to make their way to the National Shrine of Wales - any Bishop caught taking a shortcut along the M4 motorway will be disqualified.

Day Six: 
Today is the Worlock Trophy Day - our episcopal chums will have 24 hours to seek out Ed Stourton or Clifford Longley and 'custard pie' them (in the event of either of those two leading Catholic personalities being unavailable, any Old Amplefordian will do).

Day Seven:
 The pace hots up as their lordships are given the ultimate challenge of finding and eating a copy of Hans Kung's book 'What I believe' - raw! Ugh!

Day Eight: 
Those still standing will be asked to sing Durufle's Requiem - standing up to their necks in freezing water.

Day Nine:
The final day culminates with the remaining Bishops doing the Eccleston Square Square Dance (think Egyptian dance and you get a rough idea of what is involved). The delegate judged to have made the most laps of the square (without going in a circle) will be declared the champion.

The production company is likely to make a follow up of this series with another small screen blockbuster - 'Made in Victoria'


  1. Richard,
    Can I look after the voting and have a ringside seat on the last day of the contest to initiate the booing or should I say the Gregorian Chanting?

    God Bless,


  2. Bravo, Richard! Even with my American ignorance of some of the names, places, etc., I find this extremely entertaining!

  3. Richard you really are a very wicked old man having been responsible for making this old man wet himself through uncontrollable laughter

  4. Brilliant, Richard. How do you manage to think of all these wonderful ideas?!


  5. Michael, the job is yours.
    Many thanks Jay, we face the same issues I believe.
    Introibo, incontinent laughter.
    Brian, I've had 25 years of being hammered by those in authority, a little humour gets me through it (and a warped mind).