Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Instructions for my funeral Mass

'We'll meet again' - trouble is I don't know where

My thanks to Father EW (EF Pastor Emeritus) for his post that prodded me to contemplate planning my funeral Mass.

It's a good exercise (especially after one know.....that certain age.....the old coronary age when you find yourself making perfect acts of contrition every few minutes of the day).

So, having given the subject some extremely serious thought I have produced my checklist for the big day.

Here it is.......

1. I want everyone attending to wear colourful dress, no black, and that goes for the President of the Assembly also

2. My coffin must be bio degradable, eco friendly and from a fairtrade source, preferably made of
    reconstituted yoghurt cartons

3. No organ music whatsoever; guitars, skiffle boards and Tibetan nose flutes with the odd tambourine -  perfect!

4. Hymns are out, just too dirgey. I want lots of good, fun songs (with the exception of  Johnny Cash
    singing 'I fell into a burning ring of fire'). If we must go down the religious route then 'Shine, Jesus Shine' will do nicely.

5. Perhaps some of my good friends would like to do a reading; you know, 'stop all the clocks, shoot all the dogs' that sort of crap poetry.

6. I would really like my coffin adorned with items that mean so much to me. My hamster wheel and my membership badge of the Communist Party London Catholic Worker Organisation

7. The funeral cortege to be led by my hamster, Vinnie with my faithful, if slightly savage, Belfast Terrier, Tommy, bringing up the rear.

8. My coffin to be draped in the regalia of The Royal and Ancient Order of Bullfrogs

9. Nuns from the Society of the Slightly Insane (Discalced Primarks) to provide a liturgical dance at key moments during the Mass

10. Oops, nearly forgot, no Latin whatsoever, dim Latin, nought Latiney, zilch Latino (I can speak American,  see?). Instead it would be nice if I could have Hindi throughout plus, of course, a bit of Arabic

You see? It will not be an occasion of mourning (far from it in some quarters).

It will be more a memory of all the good times we had together, a sort of celebration of my life which, by then will have been totally worthless.
 Other than the small service I was able to provide to my Lord and Saviour.

Does that sound too Catholicky?


  1. Lol. I suspect you will be asking the Cooperative Funeral services so!

    On a more serious note I believe that people should discuss funeral arrangements with the priest before discussing them with Funeral Directors.

  2. Richard,
    I hope you have crates of Newcastle Brown Ale at the venue for the wake? The EFpastor is absolutely right; the priest should be consulted first-preferably before death occurred if possible!



  3. Maybe Park Place as your burial ground?

  4. If one's children have been saved (cough) by the Bright Light Free Will Four Square Full Gospel Missionary Truckers' Temple of the Lord Jesus Christ Cowboy Church The Reverend Doctor Master Bishop Brother Billy-Joe Hairdo a-Brangin' Messages, you'd better see both your priest and your lawyer so that you have a responsible Catholic adult with power-of-attorney to ensure that your funeral is Catholic.

    - Mack in Texas

  5. I like your comment about no Johnny Cash singing about the ring of fire.

  6. Thanks to all and apologies for not responding individually.
    I'm still on the move and life is a bit hectic.
    Thanks Fr EW......not sure about consulting a Catholic priest though...a Bonze is more my style :)

  7. As they say, it's never too early to plan for the inevitable. I can imagine that it’s gonna be a remarkable and memorable proceeding in the future. Others might think it’s a morbid action, but it’s better to have a concrete plan of what you want your funeral to be, because it would be easier to your family to prepare it.

    Damon Marsh @ Inland Memorial, Inc.