Ten ways to impress your Bishop

Bishops appreciate a subtle approach

I may be wrong but, it seems to me that Bishops, post Vatican II are more accessible, more 'user friendly' inasmuch that you may meet them at the parish fete, the annual parish visit, on the occasion of  the Sacrament of Confirmation being conferred or, at the golf club.

And, when you do meet them, they are less tied up with things spiritual and far more worldly than their counterparts fifty years ago. Hmmm.

So, if you wish to gain a few Brownie points with your local 'Bish' and convince him that you are the best thing since EMHCs, here are my top ten ploys:-

1. Don't kneel and kiss his ring upon meeting him - Bishops are far too humble for that treatment

2. Never write to him. Bishops dislike receiving letters from their flock. Sheep can't write is their philosophy, so forget it (you won't get a reply anyway).

3. Do not address your Bishop as 'My Lord', instead call him plain 'Bishop' or, even, 'Bishop Reg' (assuming that 'Reg' is his Christian name).

4. There is a litany of words that must not be mentioned in the presence of a Bishop, these include: "Rosary, Latin, Extraordinary, Benediction, Altar Rails and Magisterium" (there are more but these are the important ones).

5. Ask him to adopt a charitable cause of your choosing; high on the popularity list are groups such as the Marxist Catholic Association and the LGBT Rainbow Liturgy Society.

6. Encourage him to appoint a Diocesan Liturgical Artist who will produce some beautiful meaningless posters in pastel colours that nobody will understand.

7. Inspire him to open a Twitter account and to read the Tweets of his priests and deacons (especially the deacons).

8. Suggest that, as his 60 or so parishes offer Masses in Chinese, Tamil, Tagalog, Polish and Latvian, the addition of Swahili and Lakota would be much appreciated. You will find him only too pleased to comply.

9. Invite him to organise some Clown Masses - the smell of greasepaint does things to Bishops.

10. Ask him what he understands regarding Summorum Pontificum.

Are Latin Masses increasing in number under Pope Francis?

The question is purely rhetorical; I have no evidence to suggest that EF Masses have either increased or decreased under Pope Francis but, I have suspicions.

"Brick by brick" Does that mean more or less?

Those suspicions are based on feedback (so they are strictly anecdotal in evidence terms) from liberal Catholics who gush and spout about how humble the new Holy Father is and how he just hates all that ritual and grandeur (by which they mean the orthodox liturgy) and how he has cut through all that liturgical lace (by which they mean that he has reverted back to the dreary old Novus Ordo format of poncho vestments with modern motifs).

I do not know many liberal priests but, my guess is that they are saying much the same sort of things; most of the bishops will also be singing off the same hymn sheet, no doubt.

There is a sort of air of despondency in some circles and only an occasional straw from Rome for traditionally minded Catholics to clutch at.

But, how goes the fight in England and Wales?

Are Latin Masses still plodding forward, brick by brick in Fr Z fashion or, are they retreating into pre 2007 oblivion?

I do not know if the Latin Mass Society has done the sums on this one as yet but my feeling is that orthodox priests are, once more, on the back foot and that any growth in EF Mass numbers has died the death and may, even be decreasing.

Yet the shouts from the seminaries seem to state the opposite - so what's to worry about, this could be a temporary glitch that will right itself in 5 or 6 years time.

Possibly.

But we all know what happens next, do we not?

A young priest, about to assume control in his first parish, meets with his Bishop for the first time since he was ordained a few weeks previously.

And the Bishop gives him the chat; nothing too direct, just a few menacing words based upon the following:

1. "I would remind you of your obedience to me (forget about Rome Sonny, this is where it all happens")

2. "Remember, you have a good parish in St Apathetic's, please do nothing to upset this calm and offend the parishioners (if you do I can promise you a public humiliation in front of your flock")

3. "Now you are a employee of the Diocese, of course all of your pension rights and retirement plans will be looked after by me and my successors (step out of line by getting all latiney and I'll chop off your superannuation tout suite")

4. "Remember, I want none of this EF Mass nonsense (celebrate just one Mass and I'll have you transferred to the Convent of the Sisters of the Blue Cardigan where you will be on call as chaplain to five major hospitals, 23 nursing homes, the League of Charismatic Nutters and a committee member of the ecumenical group forging links with the local Freemasonry Lodge")

5. Now kneel my son while I give you my blessing (and if you so much as make a move towards kissing my ring you're toast!")

"I'm a Bishop, get me out of here"

Yes, the new celebrity challenge show coming to the small screen will be screened next Spring.

 The Bishops of England and Wales will compete in the jungle environment of Bulinga Fen aka Westminster Cathedral Piazza for a nine day period and, at the end of each day, a panel of the laity will vote off the one that has failed to please the audience most, here's the format for the show:-

Day One :
All contestants to learn Summorum Pontificum by heart and to recite it standing on one leg on the Cathedral steps.

Day Two:
 Lots of fun today as their Lordships skydive from 30,000 feet with 200 remaindered  copies of The Tablet strapped to their backs. Their parachutes will have been specially  packed for them by a team of SSPX seminarians under the watchful eye of adjudicator, Damian Thompson. Those arriving on the landing zone of Westminster Cathedral bell tower will gain full marks but those landing on Westminster Abbey will have 10 points deducted; any Bishop landing on a Hindu Temple will lose 50 points.

Day Three:
The pace hots up as each Bishop dons cassock and lacy cotta for 'Act as a slave to a curate' day. This will involve rising at 3am in the morning to make sick calls to the local  hospital, back to the parish for a 7am Mass, then off to attend a spiritual session at Archbishop's House where delegates will have to meditate on the qualities of a pot of yoghurt before making a round of the care homes taking  comfort to the elderly. The programme continues in the afternoon with parish visits, Mass in the local convent and a final evening parish Mass at 8am.

Day Four:
Those who have survived the gruelling challenge so far will be asked to take part in the Sunday special - 'Hunt the Latin Mass'. The Bishops will have to carry out a  search of the Diocese to find a Latin Mass. The contest hots up as they then have to take the quickest route by foot arriving at the church in time for the 10.45pm EF Mass.

Day Five:
Chuckles galore in store today as the remaining contestants are blindfolded and then told to make their way to the National Shrine of Wales - any Bishop caught taking a shortcut along the M4 motorway will be disqualified.

Day Six: 
Today is the Worlock Trophy Day - our episcopal chums will have 24 hours to seek out Ed Stourton or Clifford Longley and 'custard pie' them (in the event of either of those two leading Catholic personalities being unavailable, any Old Amplefordian will do).

Day Seven:
 The pace hots up as their lordships are given the ultimate challenge of finding and eating a copy of Hans Kung's book 'What I believe' - raw! Ugh!

Day Eight: 
Those still standing will be asked to sing Durufle's Requiem - standing up to their necks in freezing water.

Day Nine:
The final day culminates with the remaining Bishops doing the Eccleston Square Square Dance (think Egyptian dance and you get a rough idea of what is involved). The delegate judged to have made the most laps of the square (without going in a circle) will be declared the champion.

The production company is likely to make a follow up of this series with another small screen blockbuster - 'Made in Victoria'

Is the magic circle starting to go pear shaped?

First we have Bishop Mark Davies putting an orthodox stamp on Shrewsbury Diocese, then his Lordship's right hand man, Monsignor Philip Egan, an orthodox man according to the pundits is appointed Bishop of poor old Portsmouth Diocese and now, the Bishop of Lancaster, the Rt Reverend Michael Campbell, successor to the acclaimed Archbishop O'Donoghue, has drawn a line in the sand as far as teachers in Catholic schools are concerned and asked them to make a public profession of faith.

This has resulted in shrieks from the left wing press and cries of "McCarthyism rules again".

I don't quite get that; wasn't McCarthy anti communist?

 Is it just the act of asking people to come clean about their beliefs that results in such emotive language?

What is wrong, precisely, with wishing to know where those who are in charge of educating and informing the young stand?

Isn't that where the Catholic Education Council and the Bishops of England and Wales have gone so very wrong over the past forty or so years?

They appear to prefer a sort of grey sludge and mediocrity delivery of religious education as opposed to orthodoxy and clarity.
The thing I was always brought up to believe is that theology is black and white, no room for dissembling or equivocation.

So now, out of circa 28 Bishops in England and Wales, for the first time since Vatican II we appear to have a growing number of good men who are not prepared to toe the party line.

That's getting on for 11% - maybe not a great statistic but a damn sight better than zero.

And, with more appointments looming, and the good offices of the Papal Nuncio, Archbishop Mennini, we may hope to see that number of good men increase dramatically.

Who knows, given time and the works of the Holy Spirit, the magic circle could disappear in a puff of smoke?

Do you speak Bishopese?

No? Well here is a brief selection of phrases that will help you understand the meaning of what many of our Bishops say.....

"I have established Mass in the Extraordinary Form in my Diocese in accord with Summorum Pontificum"

Meaning:
"I have one parish 68 miles from the nearest city that celebrates the EF Mass once a month (except when there is an 'r' in it)  on a Wednesday at 3.30pm"

"There is little demand for Mass in the Extraordinary Form in my Diocese"

Meaning:
 "I ignore all representations made to me"

"The teachings of the Church with regard to homosexuality are quite clear"

Meaning:
 "I am relaxed about homosexuals having the Mass framed around their spiritual needs"

"None of my priests have any desire to say the Latin Mass"

Meaning:
"Any troublemakers are dealt with by being given particularly hard and arduous roles and by being placed in far flung parishes"

"There are no traditional applicants for the priesthood"

Meaning:
"I grill them at interview stage and get rid of any with traditional leanings"

"In my Diocese we have independent Catholic Adoption organisations"

Meaning:
"I've washed my hands of the issue and now Catholic children may be fostered by homosexuals"

"I abide by the guidance of the Holy Father and the teachings of the church"

Meaning:
"The Pope does not know what goes on in my Diocese, I am the best judge of interpreting church teachings and bringing them up to date"

"I like to play golf on Thursdays"

Meaning:

"I like to play golf on Thursdays"