Want to know if you are a traditional Catholic, a liberal or a reactionary, misguided omadhaun?
|"Umm....maybe I'm in the omadhaun category"|
Take this test that will tell you precisely where you stand in the Church.
Left, right or centre.
Each point is a question based on an action, preference or belief:-
1b. Receive Holy Communion kneeling by mouth
1c) Sitting in a circle and passing the Body of Christ around
3b) You inhale deeply when the thurible passes by
4b) Inclusive language in all things
9b) Go for the full on lips approach
11a) Read The Catholic Herald
11b) The Catholic Times
11c) Remove old copies of The Tablet for re-cycling
12a) Drink vanilla and peach tea
12b) Red wine or real ale
If you answered as follows (1b/2a/3b/4a/5a/6a/7b/8a/9a/10a/11c/12b)
Then, congratulations, you are a true blue, traditional a Catholic - an asset to any parish.
Keeping on the path you have selected, the following steps will help you:-
a) Break into Salve Regina at the top of your voice when in the bank or supermarket
b) Ask your priest if he will drop the Lakota Mass and replace it with a Latin one.
c) Knee in the groin any professional parish 'greeter' who meets you outside church
However, if you scored read as: (1a/2b/3c/4c/5b/6b/7a/8b/9c/10b/11a/12c)
You are definitely in the liberal category (hard luck). You probably also favour women priests, married clergy and believe that mortal sin died the death some few minutes before Vatican II sat for the first time.
a) Buy a copy of the Catechism and memorise it
b) Say the following line before you climb into bed each night: "Dogma is unchangeable, the Catholic Church is our authority" - repeat this several thousand times.
c) Take more exercise - try touching the floor with your knees regularly.
And, finally, if you scored as follows:- (1c/2c/3a/4b/5c/6c/7c/8c/9b/10c/11b/12c)
You are a misguided omadhaun and need to purify your system, start by drinking five gallons of holy water a day and then:
a) Attend regular colonic irrigation sessions, North Korean style
b) Burn all unCatholic possessions such as buddha place mats and photographs of your bishop.
c) Cancel your liturgical dance classes and take up plainchant
And, should you fall outside of all of those categories, then, sorry, but you are on the wrong bus.
a) A do it yourself lobotomy kit comprising one club hammer and a cold chisel
And, if you conduct point a) successfully, you will be relieved to know that there is no point b) or c).