Yes, in an unexpected move, romantic novel publishers, Mills and Boon has announced that they have commissioned a group of their authors to write specifically on Catholic subjects.
"It's part of our programme of reaching out to niche markets" explained Crispin de Warren Manley, Head of Marketing.
And here, as a total worldwide scoop we have an extract from the first novel, 'Not a marrying man'......you read it here first, remember:-
"Marjorie stepped out of the shower and admired her long, slim legs in the mirror.
It was Sunday and she had not attended Mass in months and so, she had decided to put on some of her best finery and go; after all, the unmarried Deacon Antonio was going to be in attendance and she had long harboured feelings of pent up passion for him, in spite of his acne problem and built up heels.
Quickly slipping into her flimsy top and flaired mini skirt she grabbed her handbag and made for the door, it wouldn't do to be late for Mass today.
She drove into the church car park and could not help noticing a tall, menacing figure in black at the foot of the church steps.
"Who could that be?" she wondered. "It's not one of our dear greeters"
Nimbly slipping out of the car she gaily approached the church entrance whereupon she was grasped firmly by one shoulder.
"Where do you think you are going dressed like that?" a voice hissed in her ear.
It was none other than Deacon Antonio.
"Antonio" exclaimed Marjorie. "Why are you handling me so roughly, you brute?"
Secretly Marjorie rather liked Antonio's firm, masculine approach, she had thought him somewhat limp wristed up until now.
"I've told you before" said the Deacon. "Don't call me Antonio, it's Reverend Mr Deacon if you don't mind"
"But Reverend Mr Deacon" gasped Marjorie throatily. "You have never spoken to me like that before"
"Things have changed" said Antonio, slightly relaxing his grip on her smooth, white shoulder, "We've got a new PP and he's a you know whatter"
"A you know whatter?" Marjories lisped. "Whatever do you mean Ant....Reverend Mr Deacon?".
"He's a Latinist" Antonio snarled. "And what is more he is celebrating a Latin Mass this morning. We are sunk".
"B-b-but" Marjorie stammered, "What does this mean?"
"It means" Said Antonio with heavy irony. "That you have to dress modestly for Mass and wear a mantilla"
Marjorie swooned and fell heavily against the deacon who propped her up on his broad, masculine chest.
"But where will I get some modest dresses from?" sobbed Marjorie, nestling into the rough, heavy tweed jacket of the man she secretly loved.
"You can borrow one of mine" said Antonio.
"You do know that I am gay don't you?"
To be continued.......
Apologies to M & B
"It's part of our programme of reaching out to niche markets" explained Crispin de Warren Manley, Head of Marketing.
And here, as a total worldwide scoop we have an extract from the first novel, 'Not a marrying man'......you read it here first, remember:-
"Marjorie stepped out of the shower and admired her long, slim legs in the mirror.
It was Sunday and she had not attended Mass in months and so, she had decided to put on some of her best finery and go; after all, the unmarried Deacon Antonio was going to be in attendance and she had long harboured feelings of pent up passion for him, in spite of his acne problem and built up heels.
Quickly slipping into her flimsy top and flaired mini skirt she grabbed her handbag and made for the door, it wouldn't do to be late for Mass today.
She drove into the church car park and could not help noticing a tall, menacing figure in black at the foot of the church steps.
"Who could that be?" she wondered. "It's not one of our dear greeters"
Nimbly slipping out of the car she gaily approached the church entrance whereupon she was grasped firmly by one shoulder.
"Where do you think you are going dressed like that?" a voice hissed in her ear.
It was none other than Deacon Antonio.
"Antonio" exclaimed Marjorie. "Why are you handling me so roughly, you brute?"
Secretly Marjorie rather liked Antonio's firm, masculine approach, she had thought him somewhat limp wristed up until now.
"I've told you before" said the Deacon. "Don't call me Antonio, it's Reverend Mr Deacon if you don't mind"
"But Reverend Mr Deacon" gasped Marjorie throatily. "You have never spoken to me like that before"
"Things have changed" said Antonio, slightly relaxing his grip on her smooth, white shoulder, "We've got a new PP and he's a you know whatter"
"A you know whatter?" Marjories lisped. "Whatever do you mean Ant....Reverend Mr Deacon?".
"He's a Latinist" Antonio snarled. "And what is more he is celebrating a Latin Mass this morning. We are sunk".
"B-b-but" Marjorie stammered, "What does this mean?"
"It means" Said Antonio with heavy irony. "That you have to dress modestly for Mass and wear a mantilla"
Marjorie swooned and fell heavily against the deacon who propped her up on his broad, masculine chest.
"But where will I get some modest dresses from?" sobbed Marjorie, nestling into the rough, heavy tweed jacket of the man she secretly loved.
"You can borrow one of mine" said Antonio.
"You do know that I am gay don't you?"
To be continued.......
Apologies to M & B
Of course, this being a Catholic Mills and Boon, being gay simply means that the rugged deacon is merely the opposite of miserable.
ReplyDeleteI wish Marjorie the best of luck, and hope she keeps her scapular on at all times.
Chapter Two is eagerly awaited. Perhaps Marjorie might have a rival for Antonio's affections called Catherine Wheeler - and sparks will fly...
Oh my!!!!!!!!Looking forward to episode two.You have missed your vocation!Hahahahahahahaha.
ReplyDeleteHilarious, Richard!
ReplyDeleteIn the next chapter, Antonio may reveal that he is not gay, but bi, and that Marjorie is in with a chance. Were Antonio gay, he would have gotten some acne cream and would undoubtedly have better taste in shoes.
I have a drawer of dodgy un-publishable novels that Mills and Boon may rifle through.
Richard!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, hilarious-Just what we need in these dark and uncertain times! please send me a signed copy of the novel when you complete it?
Cheers,
Michael.
Bravo, Richard!
ReplyDeleteMethinks Eccles has some competition...
I'm sure Mills & Boon are beating a path to your door at this very instant! When I was 10 and 11 I read literally hundreds of Mills & Boon as an old neighbour I used to visit gave them to me, a box at a time, and I would read any fiction I could get my hands on. Did something similar occur in your life??? (I hasten to add that I did not read Mills & Boon from about 12 years of age on - I'd probably read them all, anyway (!))
ReplyDeleteThe greatest weapon in our armoury is humour. Liberals simply can't cope with it - if they think they are being ridiculed they turn sanctimonious and offer to pray for you. At least, unlike the political left, which equally has no sense of humour, they don't resort to violence.
ReplyDeleteThe next time some superannuated hippie picks up his guitar to render some Haugen-Haas-Schutte ditty, try calling out "Oi! Rambling Syd Rumpo! Haven't you got anything better in your gander-bag?" If confronted by dancing deacons, giant puppets and Vestal not-exactly-Virgins twirling around with bowls of incense, just laugh, loudly and uproariously. With any luck others will join in.
Evelyn Waugh, attending his first vernacular Mass, is said to have replied to "The Lord be with you - And with you" with "And toodle-oo", as he made for the door.
No, Lynda, nothing like that happened in my life! I have never read a Mills and Boon!
ReplyDeleteThank you John, I like the EW comment.
Mary, I bow to your in depth knowledge on this topic, I am but an innocent lad!
Thank you Dilly, Rhoslyn, Michael & Sandy.
GOR, you are very kind but I have a long way to go with regard to Bruvver E.
Richard, totally brill!
ReplyDeleteOoooh, I'm sure Marjorie won't give up and manage to make a straight man out of Deacon Antonio...
You've just got to give us another excerpt in a few weeks time! I mean think of the material out there. Imagine if Deacon Antonio goes to the Vatican. A whole new "Windswept House" beckons...
When I was a young girl, the lady who baby-sat for me during the summer hols used to read Mills and Boon. It was a "kind of" guilty pleasure in more innocent times. Like watching..., er, Dallas. That naughty, roguish JR!
How did I miss this? Was I away? Excellent stuff.
ReplyDeleteJust napping Bruv. Thank you.
Delete