Friday, 15 July 2011

Smart lad wanted as Headteacher of what we hope will become a bog standard secondary school with low outcomes and no Catholic ethos

I remember, back in the days when I did an honest days work, advertising for a new Principal for a College of Further Education. Due to our location, in wildest Pembrokeshire, we attracted a somewhat challenging postbag of applicants.
There was the chap who wanted 'above all else to be in the beautiful Pembrokeshire countryside and walk my dog on the beaches' - way!
Then there was Craig, manager of the local wholesale carpet store 'Offcuts going cheap' who felt that he had had enough of the retail business and its long hours and fancied working in education because of the long holidays. I am still not sure if I was being wound up or not.

The bottom line and moral of the story is - it is not easy to recruit high quality applicants, especially into the education sector, but this is the task that Westminster Diocese has set itself, presumably in line with its new plans for the Cardinal Vaughan School....What? The Diocese has NO plans for the School? You must be joking, what kind of a omadhaun  person said that? Oh, the current School Governor...'nuff said.

Well that might narrow the field somewhat; you can just imaging the interview scenario....."Well Mrs (sorry Ms) Dullas-Ditchwater, could you please tell us how you plan to lower our results and reduce the school's Catholic ethos?"

"Well yer reverences I think that we can dispense with morning prayers, in fact, prayer of any kind is so discriminatory so it can all go, and we can disband that bunch of kids who think they can sing like angels, I'd replace them with a massed band of recorders backed up by a Caribbean steel drum quartet - that's pretty multi culchural ain't it? My next move would be to form an LGBT group so as we can call ourselves multi sexual, I think that the Arch would like that.
Then I'd do away with interviewing prospective pupils and asking them if they are practising Catholics or not - I like to consider meself an equal opportunites sort of person, especially as far as non Catholics and non Christians are concerned and then as far as the knows what I mean, the educashional programme; I'd introduce some really good sex ed stuff that I picked up in Soho last week and maybe even have a few modules on how to determine yer sexuality from the gay point of view. How's that fer starters?

"Well, Ms Dullas-Ditchwater, you have astounded the panel with what you have told us - the job's your Darling - when can you begin?"


  1. I was a bit worried, Richard, that your headline indicated an unfortunate anti-feminist bias, but your choice of sample interviewee put my mind at rest. ;-)

  2. I think the successful candidate is over-qualified. The correct answer should be: "I have no plans for this school."
    Alternatively: "Who knows what's down the corridor."

  3. Well, if Ms Dullas-Ditchwater doesn't get the situation at Cardinal Vaughn, I'm sure there are a couple of Jesuit universities over here that would be happy to look at her CV.

  4. Tony - maybe Notre Dame as starters?

    Genty - appalled by JS's post.