Monday, 24 February 2014

Five go adventuring - again!

Publishers Jeeves and Radscarp have commissioned a sequel, specially written for an adult readership,  to one of Enid Blyton's 'Famous Five' series of children's books.

In the updated version, the Five are all now in their late sixties and members of ACTA (A Call to Arson).

The aims of this group are to overthrow the wicked Catholic Church by undermining its teachings on issues such as the sanctity of human life, women priests and  the celebration of the Latin Mass, a ceremony full of ritual and sinister chanting.

In keeping with the times there have been a few name changes for the five main characters.

Julian has become Darren, Dick is now Ciaran, while Anne (now a nun of sorts) is now known as Sister Kylie.
The tomboy George (Georgina) has changed to Grunty and the final member of the gang, the happy go lucky scruffy but loveable mongrel, Timmy, is now called Basil.

A spokesman for Jeeves and Radscarp said that:
"We plan to launch an updated version of 'Five go adventuring' featuring the charming  'gang' of friends and their hilarious adventures as members of ACTA and, if this is successful, fans can look forward to many more updated titles in the future".

Here is an extract from 'Five go adventuring again':

"Come on Darren" cried Cieran as he eased open the solid and heavy church door. "Let's see what we can vandalise inside".

"Wait for me boys" yelled Grunty:
 "Remember I've got to lug Sister Kylie around after she sprained her ankle when she fell off the tabernacle in the last church we did over".

The five entered into a darkened church where just one or two candles flickered in front of what the gang called effigies of the saints.

"Where's Basil gone now?" hissed Darren:
"Don't tell me he's still got his incontinence problem"

A low growl alerted them to Basil's presence.
 He was sitting on top of a pile of magazines and, yes, he was still having trouble with his old problem.

"Stop him, oh, stop him do" shrieked Grunty:

"He must not defile copies of The Tablet, it's our main organ for fomenting dissent aside from the Bishops Conference"

"Be quick with those matches said Sister Kylie, we need to start a really good fire this time. I want to see this old church go up in flames".

No sooner had she uttered these words than the Sacristy door was violently kicked open and there, silhouetted in the doorway, stood the figure of the parish priest Father Blogton.

A double click informed them of the fact that, he was holding his Burns and Oates, 12 bore pump action shotgun, and it looked as if he was prepared to use it.

"Run" they all shouted, apart from Basil who gave a loud whine and relaxed his bowels all over the copies of The Tablet........"


  1. Warning needed before reading - 'Do not read while sipping your morning coffee!!!' My neighbours must think I have gone dotty ...

    How I used to enjoy the Famous Five books - I think I must have devoured them all. Innocent fun in those days, ginger beer picnics and tons of adventures. Thanks for the memories.

    1. Yes loved them also in my faraway youth.
      "Run" they all shouted, apart from Basil who gave a loud whine and relaxed his bowels all over the copies of The Tablet........"

      Wasn't Basil a discerning and good fella!

    2. Pelerin, yes, my recollections also. Many thanks.

  2. Another brilliant post! A real early morning tonic! I too, loved those books. What would we have read in those days, if we hadn't had such authors as Enid Blyton, Richmal Crompton, WE Johns, etc. - thanks for the memories.

    1. Brian, many thanks. In those days I used to devour such books at an alarming rate. They were all so very good.

  3. I think I would have preferred the obvious satire of Eccles.

    The "ultra realistic" approach of modern bloggers is just to much for me.

    1. Petrus, I am basking in the glow of being called a 'modern blogger'

  4. I agree with Petrus...maybe I feel too battered and fragile ...