Ten things not to do in church

                                  Do not pray 'fisherman' fashion

When in Lourdes recently I attended Benediction only to walk out after a few minutes before the service had even started.

I have been in auction rooms and beer gardens that were far more reverential than the hubbub caused by the faithful as they turned their backs on the tabernacle and shouted to each other.

But, you see, I am unworldly in the ways of the NO Catholic.

I have dubbed them as "sushi" Catholics - they pick up what appeals to them and reject what does not. They are blind to the rich variety of Christ's offerings that are laid before them.

So, just in the very unlikely chance that any sushi Catholic is reading this, here is a list of what not to do in church:-

1. Do not turn your back on the tabernacle - the True Presence is there.

2. No applause at any time, you are not in a theatre, you are in God's house.

3. Do not speak to anyone other than in a whisper and only then if necessary.

4. When praying, keep your hands together, it's incorrect, in the Roman rite to do the "one that got away" pose.

5. On entering your pew or passing in front of the Blessed Sacrament, do not bow. Go down on one knee (and I mean go down, none of this silly curtseying bit).

6. Restrain your children, in a kindly manner; take along plenty of children's religious books but, if infants bawl, don't worry - God prefers that even to plainchant!

7. Leave your shorts, revealing tops and uber casual clothes at home; remember, you are in God's presence.

8. Do not refrain from lighting a candle, before or after Mass but do not press a button to charge an 'electric' candle abomination.

9. Certainly do not stroll up to receive Holy Communion, this is a very frightening process, you are about to receive the Body and Blood of your Creator; keep your hands together and your eyes down - and walk with a purpose.

10. Above all else, do not chew gum or eat in church; get your hands out of your pockets and do the best possible exercise, let your knees touch the floor!

Now, who am I to flag up these points?

And why, indeed, have I not mentioned that men should not wear hats at Mass but that women should keep their heads covered?

To answer the first question, I am unimportant in the scheme of things but, out of love for my fellow man, I do wish as many of them as possible to be saved - and these are some of the preliminary steps towards that process.

Secondly, as far as the hats and veils issue is concerned....this will follow on naturally if you apply the ten point plan.