RUPERT GOES TO AMIGO HALL

Young Rupert hurries fast, he's had the call,
To find out what goes on at Amigo Hall

He’s off to meet his chums you see?

And find out deeds of heresy

"To London Bridge please sir", he said. 

"I'm off to visit Catholics red.

They do not seem to know or care

About our doctrine, so right and fair"

                             

Bill Badger meets him at the station saying:

                               “This really takes the pigging bacon.

                               That silly bunch of clergy gay

                              want to change the Church, they say”

         

"Well let's not go" the young bear said. 

Let's all get 'Edward Trunk' instead"

I can't be doing with all that guff,

We're Catholics, that surely says enough!"

With apologies to Mary Tourtel

The deacon, the dog and the parish liturgist

Tony was a little mad and had poor bladder
control, but the PP loved him

Time to lighten up, I can only take so much of the current apprehension and concern.

Yesterday, I travelled from West to East, to Kent, in fact.

And back again the same day.

18 plus hours stuck on various trains in appalling levels of heat and humidity.

With plenty of time on my hands I tried to think of some subjects for future posts but, all the while,  this old story kept running through my mind.

I've polished it up a bit and given it a good dusting and I still laugh at it after all these years, and I'm allowed to laugh because it's not my joke.

Here it is:-

A young Deacon was reversing his car up the Presbytery driveway when his foot slipped off the brake and on to the accelerator (gas).

The car shot backwards and, in so doing, ran over the beloved pet of the Parish Priest, his faithful dog, Tony.

The Deacon leapt from the car and was appalled at what he had done, the shredded remains of poor Tony lay at his feet.

"What am I to do?" he wailed, falling on his knees and holding his head in both hands.

"My PP will be devastated at the loss of his dog and I am guilty of this crime"

As he wailed and moaned he noticed something glinting in the shrubbery.

He went over to look and picked up a very old brass urn. As he was giving it a rub with his sleeve, a great cloud of smoke belched out from the urn and there, in the midst of it was a Genie.

"Oh your most Reverend Mr Holiness" the Genie said; "I am here to grant you one wish, just say the word and anything that you want in the whole world will be yours."

"Well" said the Deacon thinking rapidly, "I would really like you to put this poor dog back together again and bring him to life so that the PP will not be upset at his loss and give me a good spiritual kicking"

"Certainly your reverenceness" said the Genie, "Let me take a look at the poor beast"

"Oh dearie me" said the Genie. "What an awful mess this dog is, I'm afraid that it is beyond even my considerable powers to breathe life into this poor mutt - do you have another request that I could attend to instead?"

The Deacon sighed at having good fortune snatched away from him and then thought of a second wish.

"There is something" he said. "It concerns our Parish Liturgist. Do you think that you could make her less of a feminist dragon and more of a reverent and good soul please?"

The Genie thought for a split second and then said: "Let's take another look at that dog shall we?"

A guide to Catholic dog breeds



The Roman Lurcher.

Loyal and intelligent...and barks in Latin!

1. The Librador – a disobedient breed lacking in charm. Has a tendency to wander and does not socialise with the orthodox breeds.Whines and generally makes a lot of noise but once trained to shake hands, it does not stop.

2. The Alpine Terrier – also known as the Fellay Hound. A breed that remains faithful even under the most trying circumstances. Aggressive when roused but a loyal and determined sort that stays close to its master.

  3.  Austrian Pinkenschnauzer – this is a specialist breed intended for  only 

       the most experienced of handlers. Lacks concentration and has a nasty 

        habit of biting the hand that feeds it. Difficult to identify the sexes.

4. Wimbledon Rigidback – a dying breed due to its failure to keep up with the times and its rabid tendencies. Now believed to survive only in the wastelands of Wimbledon Common (along with the Wombles). Inclined to be a sheep worrier.

5. Roman Lurcher – once thought to be extinct this extraordinary breed has returned to increasing popularity in recent years. Easy to see why, it is faithful and obedient and loves its master above all else. This is a breed that can survive under the harshest of conditions. Generally has large litters. Responds best to commands in Latin.

  

    6.  Soho Pointer – can be difficult to tell the sexes apart but a breed that 

         is becoming increasingly popular. Has a habit of baying at the moon 

         and yapping incessantly.

8.  Irish Retriever – once was a noble breed but, in recent years it has fallen victim to inbreeding in a desire to modernise the line. Refuses to come to heel and dislikes a collar and lead. Could return to its earlier glory if given new bloodlines and managed and disciplined properly.

8. Nut Hound – originating from the wastelands of Sedevacantia this breed hunts avidly for nuts but suffers from limited vision leading to total blindness. Will remain outside whining to be let in but then refuses to enter. Inclined to creep under any empty chair and sulk.

9. Shine Poodle – likes to perform in public and is a good display dog but has little substance.

 

10. Holloway Mastiff – makes a good guard dog but its habit of attacking women in trousers can be tiresome to its owner. Not a pack breed, likes to nip at people’s ankles making it a less than sociable dog.





Is our Faith open to misinterpretation?

For that aimless, carefree cruise of a lifetime -
book now on the SS Vatican II

   1. Vatican II is not a cruise liner

   2.  Zuchetto is a skullcap, not a small, tasteless vegetable

   3.  Baldachino is an altar canopy, not a coffee without froth

   4.Aumbry – an alcove for the holy oils, not a Spanish friend

   5. Aggiornamento is not a resort on the Amalfi Coast

   6. Simony, selling spiritual items, not the feminine of Simon

   7. Nuncio is a legate from the Holy See, not the Mother Superior

   8. Vespers…..not to be confused with Lambrettas

   9. Anamnesis, a prayer, not loss of memory as to the value of the Latin
       Mass

 10. Halo – an aura said to surround the head of the saints – not a Texan 

       welcome!

 11. ………………………………………………………..?

Holding hands across the pond

I have been struck for some time over the use of a picture of the traditional chapel at St Non's, just outside the tiny city of St David's in Pembrokeshire.

My good friend Catholic and Welsh actually features it on his blog and so does Tony Layne (or, so I thought).

But Tony's chapel has too many windows for it to be St Non's.

Here is the real chapel.....much as featured on Catholic and Welsh, albeit sans the rather handsome, raffish (roughish) type and lurcher standing strategically to one side.

And here is Tony's chapel, from where only he knows.....




You can, I trust see the similarity and how easily I was duped.

This ramble is by way of leading onto Impractical Catholic's excellent post today on holding hands at the Our Father (or, as we holy traditionalists say, the Pater Noster).

Sadly, it is one of life's pleasures that has passed me by and now, thanks to a Pope who is  hell  heaven bent on bringing Christ's Church and all who dwell within it back to a base of truth and sincerity, I shall now never experience it (sob!)

Just think....no warm, moist limp hand contact with Mrs Overly-Leftwing, no dead fish contact with Mr Peadar O'File, the Irish maitre d'hote of all things parochial and no hands held high with Ms Cerys Mattick leader of the tambourine and spoons section of the parish choir skiffle group.

Oh, woe! Oh tragedy!

"A funny thing happened to me on the way to Church today".....

How does your priest start the Mass? Is it along the lines of "Good morning everybody"
I believe that has become a bit passe these days - you see I do not attend Novus Ordo Masses so I am not too sure of my ground here but what I do know is that it is becoming increasingly commonplace for a priest to give a little chatty greeting and, all too often, to keep up a witty banter throughout proceedings.

"Good morning Father"

Recently I heard of a priest who made a wisecrack just before placing the host on a person's tongue - and, horror of horrors it was at an Extraordinary Form Mass! What can I say except that the priest in question is very, very new to the EF Mass and may be carrying some of his OF habits with him. I hope he will soon appreciate what the EF Mass (and the OF for that matter) is really about.

Some years ago just before we withdrew our children from the liturgical banalities they were being subject to they reported that, at their convent school Mass, the celebrant had asked (at the Consecration elevation) if anyone knew the test match cricket score. They never attended another Convent School Mass.

What has drawn my attention to this new(ish) custom is an article by a Daily Telegraph journalist, Michael Deacon - "A priest's true calling is to be a game show host, folks". He recently attended a wedding of friends (I'm assuming it was C of E but I could be wrong) where the priest constantly told little jokes throughout the service - how very droll! My recent post on the era of the 'ton up vicar' obviously needs updating; today we have the Bob Hope or the Tommy Cooper priest; it's only a question of time before we have the Consecration presented as a class conjuring trick (they probably already do this in Austria).

The thing that I find so very hard to understand is: don't they know that they are committing a sacrilege? What pleasure do they derive from making such mindless and unfunny cracks?

Sadly, they often seem to carry the congregation with them; the chap that related the host incident to me (also very new to the EF Mass and its solemnity) thought that it was screamingly funny and looked at me as if I was stark raving mad when I poured cold water over his mirth.

If cretinous ignorance is not at the heart of these asides it has, of course, got to be something a little more dark and sinister that is encouraging this trend.

That, also, would not surprise me in the least.

But the laity are complicit in all of this; the good old uncomplaining British man/woman in the pew sits back and does nothing. It only requires one or two people to have a discreet word in the priest's ear and, if that doesn't work, then a charitably worded letter to his Bishop.

And if that doesn't work, go to the SSPX!

Trouble is, it is so long since they have seen their reflection in a mirror they have forgotten just what manner of a Catholic they should be.

"Cool Church" to have UK premiere in Cardiff

"Cool Church" or, to give it the original Dutch title, "Koele Kerk" is a musical theatrical production based on the history of Christianity from Genesis to present day. Originating in Holland where it has enjoyed a season of playing to full houses, its producers, Troo Leeh Orribelle Productions of Eindhoven, are to bring it to Great Britain for the pre Christmas period this year.

 The main reasons for the success of this show is that it is performed on ice, all 90 minutes of it and it also  features a cast comprised entirely of 78 Cistercian Monks.

The premier will take place at the International Ice Rink in Cardiff in late November and other venues include the Giggleswick Ice Empire, Cheltenham  Arena and the London Ice Palladium before being transferred to the USA in the Spring of 2012.

A highlight of "Cool Church" is the guest appearance
of  Ursuline Nun, Sister Brunella

It is anticipated that this production could attract the attention of Catholic traditionalists who may object to the inclusion of several musical adaptations from scores by Sir Elton John and Lady GaGa but the promoters are confident that the show will be as popular in England and Wales as it was in The Netherlands.
Full booking details are available here.