Monday, 24 March 2014

One letter that your Bishop will reply to

It is customary to use a quill pen and parchment
when writing to your bishop

I think that, by now, most orthodox Catholics have written to their Bishop at some time or another.

And, they're still waiting for a reply.

Most of the Bishops of England and Wales (I must add that I had a charming letter from Bishop Egan in response to my moan about ACTA) are simply far too busy to respond to correspondence from blogging oiks in their diocese.

They have committees to sit on, climate change issues to manage, good priests to flagellate and, most important of all, they have the 18 hole weekly challenge to complete.

It's a tough call but somebody has to do it (yawn).

I have written copious notes to my Bishop and never so much as had one response....and I was polite.....well, relatively.
So here, my dear friends, here is my draft that will have your bishop positively salivating with the joyous prospect of replying to your missive....and it comes to you free, gratis and for nothing.....

Dear Bishop X

I would like to make a donation of £10,000 to the diocesan funds and am really at a loss as to how to set about it.

Could you please let me know how you would like to receive the dosh money.

I look forward to hearing from you by return.

Yours etc etc.

Never been known to fail!


  1. Dear Bishop,
    I have a collection of compromising photos of Catholics in your diocese: I am going to publish them in my new book "The scandals of Poddlechester", and I wondered if you would like to write the forward?
    Yours etc.

    The photos including an ACTA meeting, attendance at a Tina Beattie lecture, liturgical abuses, ...

  2. Any correspondence with regards monies will be in the form of an acknowledgment receipt from the Diocesan Finance Officer, not the bishop. Been there and wearing the t-shirt, Richard.

    Hope to spend Holy Week in Pembrokeshire. Where to go for Tenebrae/EF?

    God bless

    1. Good to hear from you Sonia.....answer to your question...Swansea is probably the nearest, I'll be working out the schedules with our priest next weekend. No Tenebrae though, sorry.

  3. Your Excellency, I have a video of some liturgical abuses done by former SSPX priests who call themselves "resistance". Meet with me at 10:00am in my office. We'll talk.

  4. Kieran

    We would like you to write a restaurant column in edition to your wine column. Are you interested?

    Your pal


    1. Does he really write a wine column?? Lord have mercy.

    2. Lynda, In The Tablet I believe.....where else?

    3. I wasn't referring to anyone in particular.

      Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

    4. I just spotted I wrote edition rather than addition.

      The perils of commenting from a smart phone and allowing the autocorrect to kick in.

    5. Petrus, that's alright, I didn't spot it. I blame a lack of alcohol.

  5. Dear Your Grace,
    Our parish priest keeps insisting on turning his back to the people and muttering in a strange tongue. It upsets the old ladies and makes the children cry. Also, he talks about sin a lot and never mentions joy. He has disbanded the sanctuary rock band and won't let us sing All Are Welcome. Please let us have our old mass back.
    A Saved Person..