A service level agreement - for Bishops?

Yes, back in the naughty nineties, service level agreements were all the rage in industry. I actually like the concept; it is a very good way of focusing attention on what one should be doing and how efficiently one should do it.
Let me explain. A service level agreement (SLA) was a written timed plan of each and every action that you might reasonably be expected to perform if you were providing a service to a consumer. For example, if you were a Chinese take away restaurateur your SLA might begin like this:-

1. Answer incoming phone calls within three rings
2. Provide all menu items within a ten minute time frame
3. Deliver within a 3 mile radius within 20 minutes of order

You get the picture - it's a blow by blow account of performance aims. It's a means of moving towards a quality standard, of achieving excellence.

So how would it work for a Bishop? Well I am proposing that it might be used as a tool for achieving better performance from his priests. That is not to say that they are all performing badly, I revert to my old formula of one third excellent, one third reasonable and one third poor to abysmal. Our excellent priests are truly excellent and, if we had a 100 like Fr Tim, Fr Ray, Fr Z, Fr Simon Henry, Fr Sean, Fr Jason, Fr John B etc., we would have England and Wales back as Mary's Dowry within ten years!
But just think what power we would have if we could convert the other two thirds into similar dynamic and holy priests - the churches would be full again and vocations directors would be snowed under with applicants.

So here is a somewhat simplistic draft for the Bishops to consider, it is not exhaustive, please feel free to add your own particular SLA as you see fit, this list is not in any particular order:-

TO ALL DIOCESAN PRIESTS - PLEASE ADOPT THE FOLLOWING AGREEMENT

1. Dress in clerical garb on all public occasions. Mufti is only to be worn when relaxing at base or, on holiday away from your parish.

2. Ensure that the sick and infirm of the parish have access to the Sacrament of Penance BEFORE a visit from an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion

3. Provide opportunities for adoration of the Blessed Sacrament at least once per week

4. Provide a 40 hours Blessed Sacrament exposition at least once per quarter

5. Visit every school in your parish for catechesism classes once each week

6. Check every 6 months if there is a demand for the Extraordinary Form of Mass with your parishioners (and implement it if required)

7. Spend at least two hours each day on your knees in front of a crucifix or the Blessed Sacrament

8. Establish a bi-weekly rosary group

9. Make a visit plan to ensure that you visit (and bless) every home in your parish once each year

10. Increase Mass attendance on a Sunday by 5% year on year


Please add any that you think I might have left out. It works very well in commerce, I see no reason why it should not work in the parish.

NB: Could all  Bishops wishing to take this further please form an orderly queue.

Maurice Walsh, whose anniversary occurs about this time.

Well, 18th February 1964 to be precise but dates have a habit of slipping past me these days. Maurice Walsh, you say? Who the h**l is he?
Well, he was a writer of extraordinary flair who was gentle with the pen despite each and every one of his novels having a violent plot. If you are Irish, Scottish or American and a Romatic to boot, you should read this man.
Best known for his novel "The Quiet Man" later made into a film by Hollywood and featuring John Wayne in the title role it told the story of a returning expatriate Irishman pugilist who seeks peace and quiet in his native land but finds that he cannot achieve it without one last famous fight. The book is good, the film is schmaltzy Irish where every sentence is followed by a "diddly-aye-dum-doodleyay" type of mindless Gaelspeak that those who come from America's northern region seem to think is the way Irish folk speak. A sort of green and leafy Barry Fitzgerald type of world capped only by a local priest who likes a pint of stout and a good bit of rough and tumble in a manly sort of way.

Walsh's other novels are much, much better. The Small Dark Man and The Key above the Door are classics set in the Highlands as are so many of his works. Nearly all feature an Irish hero, a Scottish hero, an American hero and an English villain, but that's life as they say. Thank the Lord I'm half Irish!
It used to be said of him that: "All his heroes have a touch of the villain and all his villains a touch of the hero" I think that is probably true. His world was the louche world of the 1930s nouveau riche with an underbelly of old world gentility normally provided by impoverished gentry or disenfranchised teachers (teaching was respected profession in those days). Think 2008 male banker meets Miss Jean Brodie only to be won over at the last by Ben Fogle....got it?



Not the best of Walsh's books but still a good read

 At any rate, Maurice Walsh was a great novelist if you like a book that contains a bit of action, the Scottish countryside, a hint of darkness and a clean cut hero.
His best line in my opinion comes late at night in a  Scottish laird's family home where the hero is offered a second nightcap of good malt whisky and utters the immortal words:
"I went to my bed after the second malt before the white maggots of wisdom began to wriggle in my brain" That's my paraphrase, Walsh put it more succinctly.

Priestly deception...it can happen

Reluctant Sinner has an interesting piece about a fraud on a Cistercian Abbey carried out by someone impersonating a Benedictine monk (no cheap shots about it normally being a Francisan, please). It is a serious piece but it did prompt a story in my mind about Mount Melleray up in Ireland's, Knockmealdown Mountains in County Waterford.



A Mount Melleray Monk, or maybe, a taxi driver!

 Mt Melleray is a community of Cistercian (Trappist) Monks and, many years ago, part of their raison d'etre was to offer a drying out period to priests who had sadly become alcoholics. This was not uncommon in Ireland both for lay people and clergy; a teacher at school many years past used to say that Ireland's addiction to the booze was a direct result of Cromwell and all the troubles he brought down on good Irish heads. All I can say is they've taken a long time to get over it.

So back to the story; here we have a good community of monks succouring to the needs of drink afflicted clergy and driving out their demons. Now Mt Melleray is a long way from anywhere, from memory, Cork City is about 30 or 40 miles away and there is no obvious means of public transport. So it was quite usual for "patients" to arrive at the Monastery by taxi - all the way from Cork.

At about 11pm one night a taxi pulled up at the Monastery door but the priest passenger pulled a fast one on the driver by leaping out of the cab and grabbing the driver's cap before hammering violently on the door of the Monastery.

When the door was opened he fell into the arms of the Monk yelling: "You've got to help me, the holy man in me taxi is claiming he's the driver and he's about to make off wiv me car!"

"Be at ease" my good man, said the Monk who gave a yell, whereupon three burly Monks appeared and rushed out to the cab and dragged the real driver into the Monastery.

"Ah God love yez Father" (they speak like that in Ireland) said the priest before making off in the taxi never to be seen again.

Apparently, it took the real cab driver three weeks to convince the Father Abbot as to the truth of what had happened.

The developing world needs young priests......

....so why do so many British Bishops enlist them as parish priests for their Diocese?

This is an issue that has been bubbling away for the last 15 years or so. Why, are we enlisting foreign priests to work in English and Welsh parishes?
It appears as if the Missions of my youth to places such as Senegal and Zanzibar are now operating in reverse. Instead of White Fathers can we now expect Black ones? Are we the "new" needy and deprived of the world?
There may be a case for, say, a Polish priest to attend a parish that has a high number of expatriate Poles but the greatest influx of priests is coming from India, the Phillipines and African countries - don't they need these priests there? Aren't these the countries with a rapidly swelling Catholic population?

We know the answer of course. It is the simplest solution to the UK vocations crisis; the one that requires least effort. The one that does not require a denial of the de-construction of the faith that took place in the 70s and 80s.
I cannot comprehend how these priests are even allowed in the country to work. My understanding of the British system for admitting foreign people who intend working here is that, in most cases it is strictly forbidden. The prospective employer has to prove that there are no viable UK (or EU)applicants for the post (perhaps that is the key). At any rate the UK Border Authority normally require a limit placed on the stay of  the individual....that does not seem to be happening here.

What harm is being done? Surely this is a way of ensuring that parishes have a priest to tend to the needs of the faithful?

My concerns are firstly, that the priest is in demand back home and we should not be plundering  easy recruitment grounds overseas in order to prop up our own failings. Secondly, many of these priests bring a totally different form of Catholic culture with them. I do not wish to see  priests going about their duties dressed in dhotis or garlanded with flowers and I certainly do not wish to see the liturgy further distorted with add ons based on "this is how we used to do it in Manilla".

If this all seems rather churlish and insular, I am sorry but I just cannot approach it in any other way. Of course, we are the universal church and one of the advantages of that is the acceptance of all nationalities but I cannot get away from the fact that, in a relatively small Diocese such as Menevia, something approaching 30% of the priest population originates from abroad. 

Something happened in the late sixties........

........Catholics started disappearing. Mass attendances dipped, Baptisms, Weddings and even Funerals were down, Priests and religious departed in droves, Vocations to the priesthood went out the window and Nuns....where did they go to?
The head count of Catholics worldwide took a nosedive. What was going on?
Why was this haemorrhaging taking place? Things had been looking so good....what could possibly be causing this?

The decline in priestly vocations is perhaps the most dramatic example of just how far we fell, in England and Wales - and are still falling although there is some evidence of a revival of sorts (while, on the other hand, Ushaw is closed).

The following chart shows the decline of vocations only from 1982 to 2009. It would be interesting to see a chart showing numbers of priests who left the church from 1969-1980

                  

Should your Bishop tell you how to vote?

I have always believed that the Church should play a part in politics but only so far as issues concerning faith and morals are concerned; abortion, euthanasia, IVF, these are all valid issues that our pastors should stand up and lead us on in our stance as to where we place our particular "cross".

But I am not so sure about a general sweeping directive as to which political party we should support. In fact, I am very unsure about such a move. I remember back in the 1980s when I still put myself and my family through the pain of NO Sunday Mass celebrated by a rather pompous curate who gave sermons on the teachings of Ghandi and whom, rather spectacularly, one Sunday, told us that, as Catholics, it was our duty to vote for Labour. I tackled him on this subject (among many others) but got absolutely nowhere, but in those days, I tried so very hard to make allowances for such nitwittery. Now I don't bother, age has its compensations.

But now, the Bishops of Wales, bless them, have put their oar in the water with regard to today's electoral vote as to whether the Welsh Assembly should have law giving powers or whether it should remain subject to the Whitehall rubber stamp.

"After me now - all vote YES!"

Now let me say that I do understand the frustration of my Welsh friends who feel that all that they do has to be approved of by English men and women. But then, in England, we also have Welsh MPs who vote and debate on subjects of intense Englishness. Fairness? What has fairness got to do with anything?

Let us put on one side for a minute, this notion of partisanship, of England versus Wales or, vice versa! What I am concerned with is the right of a Bishop to advise his flock as to how they should vote. Forgive me, but Bishops have been remarkably silent over things such as Homosexual Adoption (they have let go the Catholic Adoption Agencies lest they or someone very close to them might be had up before the beak on charges relating to sticking up for one's faith). The Bishops have been somehat invisible when it comes to prayer groups outside abortuaries, of leading petitions regarding euthanasia or allowing the elderly and infirm to die for lack of hydration in hospital. But they are pretty good at joining pop stars and B list celebs at their partying in Switzerland or St Trop or wherever (that is rather snide of me but it is true).
So I do get a little peeved when I hear things like the Bishops of Wales (Regan of Wrexham who is long past his sell by date and Burns of Menevia) together with Mgr Bob Reardon who is sitting on the pyre that is the Cardiff Archdiocese who have, apparently issued a statement that was read out at Masses in Wales last Sunday, telling us mindless morons, that it is our duty to vote for law giving powers for the Assembly - pause for deep breath!

I have some knowledge of the internal workings of the Assembly - it is not for the faint hearted or for those who are in the process of digesting a meal. I recall (pre Assembly days) when the Welsh Development Agency was in full swing, of meeting their top honcho in Japan. He had no concept of the geography of West Wales and even less knowledge of the economic situation. That evening, at a VIP party given in our honour in Tokyo, he fell off his chair (next to me) totally inebriated. A few months later the Western Mail exposed him as being the highest paid member of the WDA staff ( c. £250,000 pa) with an expense account of £25,000 per quarter to boot. That is a sort of metaphor as to how I see today's Welsh Assembly - a gross waste of money and not fully compos mentis as to where it is going. So why give it more power? It's not as if it was a good democratic decision in the first place. It slipped into being like a phantom pregancy that, in the ninth month suddenly came to fruition to the surpise and astonishment of all.
Is half way through Mass an appropriate time and place to give advice as to where one should place one's cross? Is it the role of the Bishop (or Monsignor) to tell us where we should give our loyalty?
No, of course it isn't but, apparently, the Catholic masses (as opposed to the Masses) are brainless numbskulls who very much depend on pastoral letters to tell them what to do.
If only Monty Python was still running they would find such rich material here!

Don't sponsor a monk or nun!

The season for sponsored walks, marathon runs, pram races, red noses and other self indulgent fund raising events is upon us. It is, by now, rather unremarkable when one sees just how many 'nuns' or 'monks'  make up the fancy dress costumes of the participants. Surely we have recovered from the highly entertaining sight of a so called nun in a habit, smoking a cigar and drinking a pint of beer? Apparently not. It seems to send some folk off into paroxysms of unrestrained laughter. Monks also have a belly laugh producing effect and, as for Bishops, no comment.

I must admit that I am not a fan of fund raising schemes that also benefit the giver, whether it be in the form of a little television coverage a la Red Nose Day or looking wonderfully funny in a clerical outfit. We are all of one mind surely, that the left hand should not know what the right is doing when it comes to donating to a good cause. I also like to make certain that, by giving to a "generic" charity appeal, I am not supporting pro abortion or pro homosexual type organisations.
So I tend not to give when a 'monk' shakes a bucket of coins under my nose.



Don't they realise that nuns wear twin set and
pearls these days?

 But my real point here is one of equality. Looking at the crowd of contestants at the local pram race I see several 'religious' of the Christian variety but not an Imam or Mufti or Ayatollah in sight. Is this fair on Muslims I ask?
It is only reasonable that they should be subject to the same good natured ridicule and contempt as us Christians.
I cannot for the life of me begin to imagine how isolated and excluded they must feel.

And I just cannot comprehend why those who love to dress up don't focus on some clown like Islamic costumes. Could it be because they fear a fatwa or two?

Welcome to Archbishop Mennini, Papal Nuncio

                                                       

The new Papal Nuncio, Archbishop Antonio Mennini, has been received by HM The Queen and met with Archbishop Vincent Nichols. He is warmly welcomed to Great Britain and I wish him God's grace in the work that lies before him.

We do know, of course, that some of us (at least) are far from impressed with the performance of the English and Welsh Bishops. In fact, it would be quite hard to imagine a worse scenario of disarray; few vocations (and the good applicants all turned away), Priests totally demoralised due to lack of leadership and an abysmal surrender to the secular forces, the laity, for the most part woefully ignorant of anything coming out of Rome (most will not have heard of the Motu Proprio) and Catholic Schools bullied and badgered for some highly dubious motives.

Come, Holy Ghost, Creator come, to Thy bright heavenly throne. Come take possession of our souls and make them all Thine own.

We need to say that prayer (or sing it) right now. Our Bishops may be failing us but they still are in dire need of our prayers. If prayer can move moutains it can surely bring the graces of the Holy Spirit down upon the Bishops to enlighten and embolden them so that they shine out as beacons of Christ's Faith.

Now, it would be a good and proper thing for Catholics to write a few words of welcome to His Grace and, if the mood takes you, to add a few words as to your perceived state of the Church in E & W today. It is vital that ++ Mennini is made aware of the temperature of the Faith today and is not sucked in to believing all the sound bites that are going to be posted in his direction by the magic circlers.

Here is his address:

Archbishop A Mennini
Papal Nunciate
54 Parkside
Wimbledon
London
SE19 5NE

A Catholic poem for Wednesday....

A cider song

The wine they drink in Paradise
They make in Haute Lorraine;
God brought it burning from the sod
To be a sign and signal rod
That they that drink the blood of God
Shall never thirst again.

The wine they praise in Paradise
They make in Ponterey,
The purple wine of Paradise,
But we have better at the price;
It's wine they praise in Paradise,
It's cider that they pray.

The wine they want in Paradise
They find in Plodder's End,
The apple wine of Herford,
Of Hafod Hill and Herford,
Where woods went down to Herford,
And there I had a friend.

The soft feet of the blessed go
In the soft western vales,
The road of the silent saints accord,
The road from heaven to Herford,
Where the apple wood of Herford
Goes all the way to Wales.

G K Chesterton

Westminster responds on the Vaughan affair

Bishop George Stack has responded, on behalf of Archbishop Nichols, to my letter expressing concern over the way the Diocese is riding roughshod over the views of parents and governors of the Cardinal Vaughan School in its appearance of attempting to drag the school into the realms of the normal, low achievement level of so many Catholic schools in this country.

Bishop Stack

+ Stack tells me that the Archbishop has received "over 90 letters in the last two months on the subject". Why so few? I would have thought that, with 600 plus attending the candlelit vigil, more would have written; perhaps the two months element is the misleading one. This affair has been rumbling along for well over a year as far as I am aware. I am certain that the tally of letters must stand at more than 90.

The letter is a round robin, no attempt has been made to answer my specific points. It is the sort of letter you might receive if you complained to a biscuit manufacturer about a packet of biscuits that was mouldy. It is full of bland generalisations and sweeping statements: "The governing body of Cardinal Vaughan Memorial School is fully committed to the flourishing of the school. This includes maintaining its fine traditions of academic rigour and musical excellence. The work and achievements of the school are expressions of Catholic faith and part of the life and mission of the Church in Westminster."
Fine, but there is nothing about admissions policy there and this is the key to the dispute. The Bishop also enclosed a paper based on a talk given by Bishop Alan Hopes in April 2009 and a couple of sheets of "Frequently asked questions"
If I was Head of Customer Services of Westminster RC Church Ltd., I would wish to speak to Bishop Stack about his paper based approach to answering consumer complaints.  Bishop Hopes paper was aimed, primarily at the teaching staff of the school but there is one word missing from all but one of its 13 pages. The word? "Parent". Perhaps that is an indicator of where things have gone awry. No organisation can fail to ignore its main customer. Teachers are, of course, vital, but there is also a crying need for parental inter-action.
Managing a major school today is a very different proposition from that of 30 years ago. It requires a very wide range of both soft and hard skills and above all else, it requires a holistic approach involving parents, governors, teachers, Church and, especially, pupils.

I did not get the impression that Bishop Stack would comprehend this sort of approach to education, even his signature was rubber stamped.

And a little extra for St David's Day

John Redwood MP excelled himself while Secretary of State for Wales by miming the Welsh national anthem so poorly it has since became a Youtube hit.
For us of the clumsy, English tongue, the Welsh language seems a trial of tonsils and larynx so here is a letter (from a Welshman) from The Times:-

Sir, Kate Middleton endeared herself to the Welsh nation by singing our national anthem in Welsh last week. 

If one wishes to pretend to sing the national anthem in Welsh, there is a well-known transliteration that starts "My hen laid a haddock, my hand oiled a flea", and moves on to the chorus of "Dad, Dad, why don't you oil Aunty Glad." 

 

Not a religious post, I'm afraid but I am sure St David has a sense of humour and will forgive me!

HAPPY FEASTDAY TO ALL WELSH CATHOLICS!

                                                               

Yes, today is St David's Day, Patron Saint of Wales and native of Pembrokeshire.
His Cathedral (as posted on a few weeks ago) is a gem of a place nestling in a valley out of sight of any early Scandinavians who might be out to plunder, rape and pillage (still uncertain as to what pillage is).
It is to be found in Britain's smallest city, named after the saint and well worth a visit if you wish to take a holiday in one of the country's most beautiful regions.

DOES CARDIFF ARCHDIOCESE REQUIRE A WELSH SPEAKING ARCHBISHOP?

I thought that, whilst on the subject of Bishops, Wales and so on, it might be interesting to lob a hand grenade into the room and open up, what, for Welsh Catholics, is a very sensitive subject. Do we need a Welshman and/or a Welsh speaker at the helm of this important Archdiocese which only rivals Wrexham in its air of abandonment and despair?


Now, I value my Welsh blogging friends and do not wish to bring their ire down on my head but, having spent some 23 years in Education and the NHS in Wales, I have some strong views on the subject. I hope they still speak to me after this post.
My view is that, whilst it would be desirable, it should really rest on the best man for the post. St Patrick, was by all accounts, not an Irishman, St George came from rather further East than Wapping and St Andrew of Scotland would have probably run in the opposite direction if confronted with a man in a kilt! So Wales is fortunate to have a Welshman as a Patron but to actually put race and the Welsh language as pre-requisites for the Cardiff post would be to do those who live in the Archdiocese a grave disservice.


There have been several major boobs committed by the public sector in Wales in their desire to only appoint Welsh speakers for their professional posts. I recall the Bangor Health Service running into the buffers because, in their hunt for occupational therapists they ignored academic and medical qualifications in favour of fluency in Welsh. The result was that the standards of OT in the region went into rapid freefall.
An FE College sought to fill the vacant post of Principal insisting on having a Welsh speaker. Seven applied for the post and it was re-advertised without the language stipulation  and fifty six then applied.


The truth is, we have long had Irish priests and Bishops in this country and never batted an eyelid, we have a German Pope, an Italian Papal Nuncio, Archbishop Nichols is from Liverpool and is now in charge of Westminster - how parochial do we wish to be?
In the USA you have Bishops of every possible lineage, they don't expect a Welshman in Philadelphia (although their heritage is Welsh). We are the Universal Church and nationality should not enter into it.
As for speaking the Welsh language. Well, Bishop Mullins did it and credit to him for that. But he  was also responsible for publishing a Welsh Missal. I wonder what the print run was on that? What was the real cost per copy?
Some 15-20% of the population of Wales speak Welsh, fewer read it and there is a North South divide as to differences in the language which make for a trying conversation betwen a Swansea resident and a Llandrillo one. The population of Wales stands at a little over 3 million. Within that figure 5%, that is, 150,000, are Catholics.
Being ultra generous and using the 20% calculation that gives us 30,000 Welsh speaking Catholics. Not exactly an overriding majority. Not one which can in all reality command the high ground.


The attendances at Mass in the Welsh language are abysmal (so I am told by a priest who celebrates the Welsh language Mass). I am all for maintaining and developing the language (which desperately needs effective development) but not at the cost of losing sight of what is required.
The solution is, of course, to have the Tridentine Latin Mass!
We are blessed with three great bloggers in Wales, Catholic & Welsh,
 Bara Brith, A Reluctant Sinner and Last Welsh Martyr - I hope they will forgive me my words and not set their corgis on me!
Today I shall drink a pint of Reverend James in their, and St David's honour - Iechyd da!

                             COLLECT FOR THE MASS OF ST DAVID

Grant we beseech Thee, Almighty God, that the loving intercession of blessed David, Thy confessor and bishop, may protect us, and that, while we may celebrate his festival we may also imitate his steadfastness in the defence of the Catholic faith. Through Our Lord Jesus Christ who livest and reignest with Thee in the unity of the Holy Ghost, one God for ever and ever. Amen.