Friday, 3 June 2011


Just what sort of a Catholic are you?

Fill in this self-assessment form to find the answer…….

Q1. It is the beginning of the Offertory do you……

a)     Have an overwhelming desire to rush up to the sanctuary and perform an
    elaborate liturgical waltz?    *
b)     Start fumbling in your pocket looking for the smallest denomination coin available?    *
c)      Commence silent preparations for the
     moment of consecration?  *

Q2. Your CD selection in your car comprises…….

a)     ‘Shine Jesus shine’ and other modern hymns for ecumenical swingers   *
b)     Charlotte Church singing ‘Ave Maria’  *
c)      Plainchant  *

Q3.  There’s a knock on your door and it’s a Baptist Minister looking for converts. Do you………….

a)     Give him a hug and tell him we are all one in the brotherhood of man?  *
b)     Tell him you are house sitting for a friend?  *
c)      Involve him in a debate on the one true Church?  *

Q4. You meet your local PP in the supermarket and he’s dressed in three quarter length jeans with a suede jacket. Do you….

a)     Wave and call out “Hi Jimmy”?  *
b)     Ask him where he bought the suede jacket?  *
c)      Remind him that there is a requirement for a priest to wear clerical dress on such occasions and that, anyway, his dress sense is crap?  *

Q5.  It’s Sunday and you are ill in bed. A knock at the door reveals an
       EMHC bringing you Holy Communion. Do you………………

a)     Say ‘Come on up’ and hold out your hand?  *
b)     Call out that you have bubonic plague and that it may be catching?  *
c)      Ask him/her to first hear your confession?  *

Q6. Your PP announces that he is going to hold a ‘Clown Mass’ to bring in more
people and make the Mass more inclusive. Do you…..

a)     Look out your old Coco the Clown outfit?  *
b)     Tell him that you are coulrophobic ? *
c)      Thumb through the Catholic Directory to look for another
Parish?  *

Q7. You are asked to write an article about your hobbies/interests for the parish mag. Do you…….

a)     Submit a fascinating thesis on why you believe that women   
       should be priests?  *
b)     Draft out 500 words on your stamp collection?  *
c)      Write how you first became interested in burning heretics?  *

Q8.   EWTN are running an amazing series on Catholic dishes that take 
          to prepare. Do you…….

a)     Set your TV selection to come on at the right day and time?  *
b)     Switch to Rick Stein’s Far East Odyssey?  *
c)      Go down the pub?  *

Q9. You notice a pile of copies of The Tablet (NCR) at the back of the
       Do you…..

a)     Eagerly put some cash in the box and walk out with a copy?  *
b)     Look around to see if The Catholic Times is available?  *
c)      Pick up all copies of The Tablet and bin them?   *

Q10. The Bishop writes you a letter inviting you to sit on a Diocesan 
         Panel. Do you…….

a)     Suffer a bout of incontinence and hastily hand deliver a
       letter of acceptance?  *
b)     Reply stating that you would be most honoured?  *
c)      Faint?  *

All a)s count as five points, b)s as ten and c)s as fifteen –

Now, if your score was in the range of 50 to 80 please
take a seat while I tell you that you really belong in a happy
 clappy new age sort of church. You don’t have the foggiest
 idea as to what the Catholic Church is about and you
have no intention of finding out but you do enjoy self
indulgence. Recommended treatment: A 2 week retreat
on Papa Stronsay and flagellation twice daily.

If you scored over 80 but below 140 you definitely fall
into the CINO category (Catholic In Name Only). You
sit on the fence whilst going through the motions of
 loyalty to the Magisterium, you probably read
Mgr Basil Loftus and your favourite tipple would
be Shandy Lite!

140 plus and you are definitely on the right track
although it may not feel like it most of the time.
You actually relish attending Mass and yearn for
Benediction more than only when there is an ‘r’ in
 the month.
You drink either red wine or Reverend James Bitter
 (OK, any real ale) and you punctuate a conversation
 with phrases such as ‘diochronicity’ ‘supernatural
 existential’ and ‘the hermeneutic of continuity’.

And if you score 150! You are truly one of the


  1. I just made it into the second category, but on seeing my result league it seems you only acknowledge one type of Catholic as being any type at all though Richard!!!!!!!!! Mmmmm!!!!!!!

    I hope the Lord looks more graciously on us lesser liturg-er-lists.

    You also didn't mention the rosary, once! Worrying.

    This test needs re-setting.

    Actually, it needs re-writing altogether, with penalties at the end, for high scorers!!!

    Yes, I can see it now. You win a liberal, to stay at your house, with his guitar, for a week, with two Grahame Kendrick posters (he wrote shine jesus shine btw)for runners up!

  2. Ah Shine Jesus, Shine a song almost unique in that it can be played on organ, guitar, flute or even sung without accompaniment and it will always sound just as bad.

  3. Mine were all C. except

    Q2. "Your CD selection in your car comprises"

    Because our car music is all children's tapes.


    Q4. "You meet your local PP in the supermarket and he’s dressed in three quarter length jeans with a suede jacket. Do you…"

    I might tell him his fashion sense is rather poor, but I found sticking to them to be rather counter productive.