Miss Ragazzagallese has posted on how she was hassled by some chap at Sunday Mass who insisted on inflicting the 'kiss of peace' upon her.
I know this young lady and she is the epitome of courtesy and so, after a few attempts to gain her attention, she reluctantly shook the persistent chap's paw.
I am not so polite (although the situation rarely arises these days as I only ever go to an OF Mass if someone has died).
And on those occasions I refuse all offers, nudges and throats being cleared as various members of the congregation climb over the pews to get at me, and stick my nose in my missal and keep my right hand firmly in my pocket.
But, eureka! I have the solution.
For less than five pounds you may purchase online, a hairy 'glove' hand.
The trick is to keep your right hand (hairy version) behind your back until approached and then you firmly grasp the offered hand and pump it up and down vigorously.
If my theory is correct, the handshaker should swoon or run screaming from the church.
I wonder if it would work with Bishops?
I know this young lady and she is the epitome of courtesy and so, after a few attempts to gain her attention, she reluctantly shook the persistent chap's paw.
I am not so polite (although the situation rarely arises these days as I only ever go to an OF Mass if someone has died).
And on those occasions I refuse all offers, nudges and throats being cleared as various members of the congregation climb over the pews to get at me, and stick my nose in my missal and keep my right hand firmly in my pocket.
But, eureka! I have the solution.
For less than five pounds you may purchase online, a hairy 'glove' hand.
 |
| "Peace be with you - the defibrillator is in the porch" |
The trick is to keep your right hand (hairy version) behind your back until approached and then you firmly grasp the offered hand and pump it up and down vigorously.
If my theory is correct, the handshaker should swoon or run screaming from the church.
I wonder if it would work with Bishops?
After the Our Father, the words "Peace be with you" are said at Mass.........the expression of true love.
ReplyDeleteDo not be like Judas! Judas kissed Christ with his lips, while in his heart he was already plotting against him.........
(St. Augustine)
Genius, Richard!
ReplyDeleteLol - This is why I read your blog - you have such brilliant ideas! :-D
ReplyDeleteThanks SS, God bless.
DeleteAnd, can I just say, if the words 'peace be with you' and a sweaty handshake without any eye contact before they move on to the next victim are the "expression of true love", I will remain unloved thanks!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteWonderful! One of my sons used to have feet like that (not his own of course!) but don't remember seeing the hands.
ReplyDeleteI just wish that people with firm grips would realise what this can do to someone with arthritis in their hands. On one occasion I actually yelped out loud as the handshake (from a woman) was so painful for me. She apologised after Mass and I made light of it but it caused me pain for several weeks afterwards.
At present I have a very painful left hand and dare not even attend a NO Mass in case I receive a strong handshake to my remaining functioning hand. It is no good isolating oneself sitting apart as someone is bound to spot you and proceed up the aisle to grab you as has happened to me in the past.
I do not wish to be rude at the Sign of Peace but at present the only remedy I can think of apart from those wonderful hairy hands is to bandage my right hand up to let people know! Or borrow a child to carry!
I recently attended the Ordinariate Mass in London and was delighted when the Sign of Peace came and I got ready albeit reluctantly to offer my hand nobody moved at all. What a relief!
Parish bulletins should carry a warning about giving firm handshakes to the frail and elderly - better still ban it altogether. As Roslyn states a hand shake with no eye contact is not an expression of either love or friendship.
The “sign of peace” is a gross example of false archaeologism, another insertion into the New Mass just like the so-called “prayer of the faithful” which did exist, but not in the false and artificial way it has been dreamt up again by the Reformers, and that Protestant insertion, the post-Pater Noster doxology, which was never scriptural.
ReplyDeleteWe should all remember that,
The Catholic sign of peace is not a handshake; it is a partial bow/embrace. (except for my wife, who actually gets a kiss)
It is optional.
It is to be given, if you opt for it that is, only to those beside you, not to those behind or two rows in front, or across the aisle
It is a disruption in the Mass and in some churches, a chaotic one
The practise of priests leaving the sanctuary to performs this is illicit and an abuse
I like your idea of a hairy glove, preferably wet, you could keep it in a placcy bag until after the Pater Noster.
My friends, well they used to be?, who normally sit beside me, have got used to and respond to my slight bow, with my hands firmly together, including one lady, a good friend I might add, who once got a real big kiss. Now she keeps her distance!
No, it won't work for bishops. I'd still kiss 'em.
ReplyDeleteIs that a 'Glasgow' kiss, Simon?
DeleteMy late father always threatened to reply to anyone who approached him 'Not peace but the sword!' He never did (as far as I know) but instead knelt after the Pater and prayed; offering his adoration of the Blessed Sacrament on the altar as his sign of peace - a practice I follow to this day. People rarely trouble me (occasionally I am tapped on the shoulder, which I ignore. Someone once grabbed my hand and I was so surprised I recoiled - that did the trick!)
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the 'ghastlies' of OF, but I find that prayerfully standing with eyes closed usually does the trick. Thankfully, folk who know me don't even try! ;-)
ReplyDeleteWhat really vile people the 'EF' crowd are. How they loathe each other (and themselves). Hopefully, Christ's Vicar Francis, will correct their wicked ways or cast them into the flames they so deserve.
ReplyDeleteHmm, so we get to go to Hell for not wanting to have everyone shake our hand, now? Will introverts get their own special corners alone down there? I've always wanted my own special corner where I won't have to worry about people coming along and upbraiding me for not being happy at parties and things like that.
DeleteYou sound like 1) a troll or 2) someone who is misinformed. Just throwing that out there!
DeleteZwingli - lighten up old chap. go and have a pint of the Rev James, that'll work wonders. If you lived in West Wales I would even buy it for you.
DeleteActually, I thought Zwingli's post was a joke. If not, I'm trying to form a picture in my mind of Pope Francis chucking people one by one into hell. At his age I should think he'd get pretty worn out after about the fourth or fifth body.
DeleteOh, blimey, AP. Maybe I need a sense of humour check. I must get out more.
Delete"Novus Ordo Germ Swap" is a more fitting name.
ReplyDeleteTip: Picking your nose openly and ostentatiously prior to the ceremony will stop the most effusive handshakers/smoochers on their tracks.
A good blow into a particularly disgusting hanky usually works quite well for me on the very rare occasion that I have to attend the N.O. i.e. funerals and weddings.
DeleteGiving a few hacks in your hand then rubbing them together immediately beforehand (no pun intended) could be helpful, as well! :-)
DeleteThe essence of this discussion, and I say this principally as an O.F. man, not an E.F. man, Zwingli (and Luther, I know you’re there), please note, is that this exchange is a protest against the attempt by the Reformers to change the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass into an LCD, Protestantised, commemorative meal at which we can all get together, eat bread and drink a little wine, and be nice to each, have a little chat before and after the meal, and then a cup of coffee in the parish rooms afterwards.
ReplyDeleteAnd for any other Neo-Protestants out there, don’t kid yourselves; it has nothing to do with making us into Protestants. The Modernist/ Relativists actually don’t believe in anything.
It's probably bad form to plug one's own blogg, but I have provided a useful guide to the kiss of peace here.
ReplyDeleteSo let's not have any more complaints.
Bruvver E, not bad form at all and thank you for the link. My next post will be the first in a series on Catholic hymns...don't think you've tackled those have you?
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your kind comments, tips and advice.
ReplyDeleteMy nugget of advice, for what it is worth is: only go to an EF Mass. Problem solved.
Oh my goodness, belly laughter!
ReplyDeleteLate to this thread, but here goes: When I don't want to shake hands, I hold a neatly-folded clean white tissue or handkerchief in the fingertips of my right hand, and position the tissue just under my nose, at my upper lip area. While, while holding the tissue in place, I make eye contact, give a slight incline of the head, with an apologetic smile. Never fails - people get it right away that I have a cold, or am fighting one, or am trying to avoid one - and they instantly back off. Then I say, "Peace be with you!"; they always return the verbal greeting. No one seems the least bit offended, and there is never a "scene" or any other unpleasantness.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you all!
- Marion (Mael Muire)
Yes, I like that Marion. I might add a bit of blood to give the added impetus of possible HIV infection. God bless.
ReplyDeleteHaha, Richard! Hiv infection...
ReplyDeleteWarped sense of humour :)
DeleteI meant me!
DeleteNever found HIV to be a source of hilarity....this blog plumbs new depths of misanthropy.
DeleteI like how critics accuse us of being too sombre and then berate us for making jokes at the same time. That's why I stopped trying to please anyone but God: because you cannot please those who are determined to find fault with you.
DeleteWhy not attend Mass with a paper bag over your head, then you won't have to make contact with any other member of the congregation?
ReplyDelete